Jim Craig from Angry Cow Adventures and his crew put together a 3-ish mile looping course through the woods, which came out on a winding, downhill paved park road back to the start. We were supposed to come back to the lot three times before setting off on each loop.
I started the race and intended to run 12 miles, and then after the first two loops, I stopped....and the funny thing about it - I don't feel bad at all (well, mentally and emotionally, anyway).
The course was challenging and it was great to be out there on a chilly, overcast day, racing through the woods, knowing that Rodney and a few hardcore, yet laid back, running friends were also flying through the trees and over the many bridges. I ran hard, reaching oxygen debt for a good percentage of the race - A four week hiatus from regular training runs really makes a difference in running fitness. At least I can rest knowing that I did my best for those two loops.
I feel like it's a major breakthrough for me. It is as if my will power and running addiction were racing each other. I failed one test, but by failing, I passed another. I couldn't have done this a month ago. I couldn't let myself quit.
Especially not in these conditions:
- Perfect running conditions: cold, trail, no wind.
- The course was fun.
- It was a small low key event with really cool people.
- Good support: great race director, access to the car, water, personal photographer waiting in the woods to capture a few pictures of my last race of the season.
- I was the lead female for the 12-miler, until I stopped.
- Bruce told me to stop, and since when do I listen to anyone? ( I was in front of him after the first loop, and he finished a two steps ahead of me after the second, and I thought he didn't want to race me for the second half.)
- Rodney was heckling me not to "puss out". (Yes, the same guy who told me to "Man-up" when I was in labor.)
- Rodney said, "you're going to be hurting later anyway, so you may as well finish it". A true statement, but I still didn't change my mind.
- It was freezing cold standing there, not running, but after three minutes I told the race people that I was done.
I am not a person driven by competition. I'm not someone who is used to winning (anything). I'm not even someone concerned about getting a PR each time I race. My best times have always been achieved when I'm not "racing", when I'm "just out for a training run". I've been criticized for not having a competitive spirit, and obviously I'm not someone who cares what people think of me. I don't even consider myself an athlete. I just run.
I supposed I'm obsessed with being and staying tough, thinking that tough guys never quit. Surprisingly enough, I don't feel any less tough because I did quit. I will run again, maybe not soon, but I'll be back.
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Could I be transitioning into a normal person?
Don't worry, I'm not that delusional!
I am proud of you. I know it was a long time coming to get to this point but perhaps this will be some forced R&R. There is a reason for this, why isn't clear right now. But you're here for a reason. Something positive and good will come out of all of this. It's one of those can't see the forest through the trees sorta things.
ReplyDeleteWhat Amy said! Also, I don't know many people who would say, "I was going to do 12 miles, but I *only* did 8 on account of my injury." So, your toughness meter is still way up there.
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